In 2007 my husband and I volunteered in Africa and this was a life-changing event in more ways than I could ever have dreamt.
The work was rewarding but at times overwhelming and challenging. I came home with a heavy heart carrying extra baggage of shame, guilt and a sense of hopelessness about our world. Whilst I managed to put a brave face on, inside I felt lost. I didn’t know how to deal with these emotions, how to integrate my experience and so I did what most people would do in my situation. I ignored it and pretended that everything was completely ok.
We moved to Darwin so I could further my training in Emergency Medicine and care for Indigenous patients. At this time, I placed my entire self-worth on being a Doctor. I held such high expectations of how a “great” Doctor should be and pushed myself towards this. My perfectionism became amplified, and I found myself over-criticizing my efforts more and more. How could I feel like I was enough, when in every moment I was seeking approval from my colleagues or comparing myself to them?
Then a 2-month old baby girl died during my Intensive Care rotation. I watched my senior colleagues express their grief around this and recognized that I felt nothing like them. Inside, I was angry. Inside, I was cynical. Inside, my voice was yelling, “What are they all crying about? Children are dying every minute in Africa…. Who gives a damn about them?”
My reaction shocked me. I knew things were getting bad and I felt powerless to change.
Whether I was being stubborn or just didn’t know any better, I kept going at an unsustainable pace and lost more of myself in the process. Finally the universe orchestrated the most perfect classroom for me to stop and take note. I was heading towards burnout. I was feeling more anxious, sleeping was becoming difficult and my body reacted by developing a tremor.
How could I be an Emergency Doctor if my hand shook every time I felt a little stressed?
Finally I understood. I needed to stop. I needed to try something different. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t becoming the person I wanted to be. And this all made me feel very vulnerable and scared.
The work was rewarding but at times overwhelming and challenging. I came home with a heavy heart carrying extra baggage of shame, guilt and a sense of hopelessness about our world. Whilst I managed to put a brave face on, inside I felt lost. I didn’t know how to deal with these emotions, how to integrate my experience and so I did what most people would do in my situation. I ignored it and pretended that everything was completely ok.
We moved to Darwin so I could further my training in Emergency Medicine and care for Indigenous patients. At this time, I placed my entire self-worth on being a Doctor. I held such high expectations of how a “great” Doctor should be and pushed myself towards this. My perfectionism became amplified, and I found myself over-criticizing my efforts more and more. How could I feel like I was enough, when in every moment I was seeking approval from my colleagues or comparing myself to them?
Then a 2-month old baby girl died during my Intensive Care rotation. I watched my senior colleagues express their grief around this and recognized that I felt nothing like them. Inside, I was angry. Inside, I was cynical. Inside, my voice was yelling, “What are they all crying about? Children are dying every minute in Africa…. Who gives a damn about them?”
My reaction shocked me. I knew things were getting bad and I felt powerless to change.
Whether I was being stubborn or just didn’t know any better, I kept going at an unsustainable pace and lost more of myself in the process. Finally the universe orchestrated the most perfect classroom for me to stop and take note. I was heading towards burnout. I was feeling more anxious, sleeping was becoming difficult and my body reacted by developing a tremor.
How could I be an Emergency Doctor if my hand shook every time I felt a little stressed?
Finally I understood. I needed to stop. I needed to try something different. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t becoming the person I wanted to be. And this all made me feel very vulnerable and scared.
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Then I was offered life… saving … advice.
“Come meditate and try energy healing.” Despite my fears, disbelief & contempt of these modalities that I had ignored throughout my years of training in conventional medicine, I was feeling so rotten inside that I thought why not? What do I have to lose? This was the biggest blessing that I have received in my life. After one session of energy healing, I felt human again. The clouds of grey lifted and I felt happy. I felt peace. I felt like my entire being, my spirit, could breathe again. |
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From here, I embraced meditation, energy healing, and spirituality with gusto. My life changed as I realized the joy, peace and infinite healing within. My passion is to incorporate this wisdom with that which conventional medicine offers. To me, this makes perfect sense.
Helping me on this journey has been the Shanti Mission community, Sri Shakti Durga and Sri Shakti Narayani Amma. They offered me support, instrumental healing and love. For this, I am eternally grateful.
May my patients feel empowered, supported and inspired on their healing journey. May they awaken to the healing essence that lies within and experience joy, peace and love in their lives.
Hari Om Tat Sat
Om Namo Narayani
Helping me on this journey has been the Shanti Mission community, Sri Shakti Durga and Sri Shakti Narayani Amma. They offered me support, instrumental healing and love. For this, I am eternally grateful.
May my patients feel empowered, supported and inspired on their healing journey. May they awaken to the healing essence that lies within and experience joy, peace and love in their lives.
Hari Om Tat Sat
Om Namo Narayani